Merry Christmas

Don't forget your Christmas cheer
'Cause Santa's going to die this year
Santa's going to die
Santa's going to die
Pete Wentz plays in Fall Out Boy
Here's his number, girls and boys
8 4 7 40 0 48 1 and 4
-Christmassacre, From First To Last

It seems to be Christmas again, hope everyone is having fun. Just thought I should write a Christmas blog, haven't written one in awhile.

Anyway, here is my top 3 list of Christmas songs:
1. Christmassacre by From First To Last. What's not to like about someone screaming "Merry Fucking Christmas"?
2. Yule Shoot Your Eye Out by Fall Out Boy. It amuses me how they manage to sound happy with such angry/harsh lyrics.
3. All I Want For Christmas Is You by My Chem. Because My Chemical Romance is the most awesome thing in the universe.

On that note... I finally have a My Chem t-shirt!! Choosing my own presents is so happy-making. I also got Scribblenauts which is an amazingly cool game, and clothes and books and CD's and a stereo and heaps more :D

This is a very happy blog :S

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Stufflikestuffthatisstufflike

For every piece to fall in place
Forever gone without a trace
Your horizon takes its shape
No turning back, don't turn that page
Come now, I'm leaving here tonight
Come now, let's leave it all behind
Is that the price you pay
Running through hell
Heaven can wait
-Long Road To Ruin, Foo Fighters

So there are a few things I've been meaning to blog about, but I can't remember most of them. Anyway:
1. My mum's no longer in hospital and only one fish died while I was in charge.
2. Devon moved in.
3. I dyed my hair blonde for Alinor's party (which was awesome I should add).
4. I'm not getting anywhere in my uni preparation.

Not much to say about all that really. Today I spent the day cleaning, trying to make more room for Devon's stuff. Didn't make any more room, but it looks good anyway.

Someone should remind me at some point to add some of the writing I found in my old school books to DeviantArt. I keep forgetting and it's really quite irritating.

I could babble on about nothing in particular, to try and make up for everything I forgot to blog about, but then you'd get so bored your head would explode. So I'll just lose the game and leave it at that.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Arrrgh!

So tell me what do I need (tell me what do I need)
Whoa, whoa
When words lose their meaning (when words lose their meaning)
Whoa, whoa
I was spinning free
Whoa
With a little sweet and simple numbing me
Stumble till you crawl
Whoa
Sinking into sweet uncertainty (oooh)
-Sweetness, Jimmy Eat World

So tired.

I'm currently looking after 3 kids because mum's in hospital. It's not very happy making, I mean, who has a bath at 6:30am? 'Cause I'm the one who has to get up and run it. Besides, I can't even look after myself. I don't know how to cook. And I keep forgetting things, like putting enough food in the lunchboxes or washing the conditioner out of Nicole's hair. Help!?

In other news, I'm supposed to be studying for exams. Good thing I'm finished school and don't have any exams 'til next week. I can't be in 2 places at once.

Everything hurts :(

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Blah Blah Blah

When I said "Good morning"
I was lying
I was truly thinking of
How I might quit waking up
-Much Like Falling, Flyleaf

So, I got my little housing situation sorted. Hopefully. Looks like I'll be staying at home, providing the police check doesn't come back with anything.

Two days left of school. I haven't done any of the work I was supposed to do. I haven't cleaned my room out to make room for Devon like I was supposed to. I haven't studied for any exams apart from Calculus. I'm so unprepared to finish high school that it's not funny. I don't wanna grow up!

Actually, on that note, I don't want to do anything. I feel so useless and pathetic, which just makes me feel worse. I'm so tired and I'm wanting food all the time, and it worries me a little considering last time that happened...

Grr.

I give up.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Our Lady Of Sorrows

Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm falling
-Savin' Me, Nickelback

I've been wondering. What is the definition of suicidal? Because it's not quite the same as wanting to kill yourself, which isn't the same as wanting to die, which again isn't the same as not wanting to live.

Anyway, I got accepted into University accommodation, unfortunately Devon did not. So now I have no idea what to do. Just one more thing to stress about. Yay. I have until sometime before the 30th to decide something. Which is just so awesome (note the sarcasm dripping from those words).

On another note, I've also been wondering if I'm on the verge of anorexia or bulimia. Though if I was I don't think I'd notice, crazy people don't think they're crazy and all that shit. So then I start wondering if I'm just an attention seeker after all, but then I probably wouldn't try so hard to hide everything. So now I'm just confused. After all, according to the people who are supposed to know what they're doing, I'm perfectly fine. Or at least not bad enough for them to care about.

At the moment, all I want to do is escape. I've been reading a lot, and taking it much too seriously. I wish I could stay in the imaginary worlds books take me to. Or stay asleep forever, providing I don't have too many nightmares. Or just be drunk forever, that's more likely to happen, whatever. Am I crazy? Or is life this hard for everyone. Does everyone else wake up in the morning and think about how to make it all go away. Does everyone else think about how they could kill themselves everyday?

Not that I'd ever do it. I don't have the guts, besides, it would hurt Devon (I assume). So I'm pretty much just pathetic. Can't even bring myself to cut deep enough to leave a scar, I feel like such an attention seeking wemo. Which really makes me hate myself. That's the kind of thing that makes me want to throw mirrors across the room when I see myself in them.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

I Remember Now, 2+2=7

It's haunting me
I'm so alone
I'm just trying to find my way back home
I'm so alone
Alone
-Curses, Bullet For My Valentine

I was going to write about what I forgot to include in my last blog.

I was going to beg for help.

I was going to explain the meaning of 2+2=7.

In the end I'm just too lazy, besides it's not like anyone reads this anyway.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll. Or not, whatever.

xx

Love, Hate and I Forgot

Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without lithium
I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Ohh
But God I want to let it go
-Lithium, Evanescence

You know how people say that there's a fine line between love and hate? Well I don't believe them. There's no line at all, love and hate come hand in hand. If you don't believe me, then you're an ignorant n00b, and I'm going to have to fix that.

For our first example we shall examine my love/hate of a human. Let's call her Bubbles (pretty obvious who this is if you pay attention to our conversations). For some bizarre reason I love her to bits, she's fun to be around, and you can have really deep talks with her too. She doesn't judge, and even if she's been through worse she'll hear you out and sympathize. On the other hand, sometimes I hate her so much I want to strangle her. She hurt me so badly, knowing exactly what it would do to me. I can look at her sometimes and be ridiculously jealous of her, because she's everything I want to be (I have no idea why). Therefore I both love and hate her.

Next we have my love/hate of night. I love night because it's the only time I have energy, and it's all quiet and stuff. However I hate it because it's cold and I'm scared of the dark.

That was an incredibly lame paragraph. So back to humans. If you call hero worship love, then I love a lot of people. My friends mean heaps to me, no matter what I say. Then again, I'm not kidding when I say I hate everything. I hate trusting people, I hate the fact that they can hurt me because I love them.

I completely forgot where this was going and all my other examples, but in conclusion I am right.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Important Philosophical Information

They always told me I was gorgeous in a way
And that faithful day
I found who I was
So fill this hole with my prescriptions
And just keep feeding my addictions
-Friends And Alibis, Escape The Fate

If I had my way, I wouldn't live in reality. I'd live in my own little world of reading, music, questing (as in Dragon Quest), gaming, and occasionally writing. Actually if I had my way, I'd be a vampire with heat vision and such, but that's not the point.

Reality is lame. You get up, go to school or work or whatever, socialize (eek!) and then go home. You spend your life doing stuff for other people, learning things you'll never need to know, and then you die. Seems like a waste of time to me. Once you're dead it's gone anyway. So it seems even more of a waste of time if you can't retreat from all this reality shit. At least in your own little world you call the shots, which means you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Which means you don't waste your life, and you have nothing important left behind when you die. Perfect life.

Of course you could just skip all that and commit suicide. Kinda tempting sometimes. In conclusion, the meaning of life can be expressed in one sentence: Life is efil backwards. Think about it... Or don't, whatever.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Look Daddy! I Can Whine Like A Spoiled Brat!

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore
-Give Me Novocaine, Green Day

Why can't I actually be 14 forever? I don't want to grow up. I don't want to move out, or go to uni, or be responsible in any way. You know what I wanna do?

I want to drink myself into oblivion, until I can't remember why anything sucks. I want to learn guitar, and sing until my voice dies. I want to go for long walks under the stars, and sleep through school. I want to laugh at stupid things, even when I don't get the joke. I want to live in my little fantasy worlds, retreating into books and games to hide. I want to be able to cut, and not give a damn who sees.

I don't want to be the responsible one. I don't want to be the good one. Or the perfect one. I don't want to wonder if I have enough money to pay the rent. I don't want to wonder what the hell I'm going to eat. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be 17, and I most definitely don't want to turn 18.

In fact, I don't want to wake up. Waking up sucks. Like a whore.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Because I Have No Life

The Soundtrack to Your Life

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. No Cheating!!!!

I'm also gonna post the first line of the song, 'cause I'm cool like that.

Opening Credits: Give Me Novocaine- Green Day
Take away the sensation inside

Waking Up: Bodom After Midnight- Children Of Bodom
(Hang on) Got to go

First Day At School: Know Your Enemy- Green Day
Do you know the enemy?

Falling In Love: Chicago Is So Two Years Ago- Fall Out Boy
My heart is on my sleeve

Breaking Up: Sunday Morning- No Doubt
Sappy, pathetic little me

Prom: Soldiers Of The Wasteland- Dragonforce
Crossing battles, savage seas, towards the mountains high

Life's OK: Heaven Help Us- My Chemical Romance
Hear the sound, the angels come screaming down

Mental Breakdown: Hey Driver- Lucky Boys Confusion
Sparks fly, I hit the ground running

Driving: Next Contestant- Nickelback
I judge by what she's wearing

Flashback: Fences- Paramore
I'm sitting in a room

Getting Back Together: Misery- Good Charlotte
Take a look around

Birth of Child: Crawling- Linkin Park
Crawling in my skin

Wedding Scene: As You Sleep- Something Corporate
Close your eyes

Final Battle: Tell That Mick He Just Made My List Of Things To Do Today- Fall Out Boy
Light that smoke

Death Scene: Welcome Home- Coheed And Cambria
You could've been all I wanted

Funeral Song: A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me- Fall Out Boy
I confess I messed up

End Credits: Light Grenades- Incubus
We're given a garden

The Inconvenience of Time and Sheep

I used to obsess over living
Now I only obsess over you
Tell me you'd like boys like me better
In the dark lying on top of you
This has been said so many times
That I'm not sure if it matters
-Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying, Fall Out Boy

So, my weekend is over. I read 2 books, reorganised my mp3 player, did some maths, and that's about it. Time flys when you really don't want it to. Everyday gets closer to next year. Every minute gets closer to me waking up tomorrow. But when you want time to speed up, it decides to stop for awhile. Stupid time, I should throw the sun at whoever invented time. If I was a vampire time would be irrelevant. 'Cause being immortal and all, I'd have forever to do whatever I wanted. And I wouldn't have to go to school.

By the way, I was obsessed with vampires before all those stupid sheep. That's right, I bit people before vampires were cool :P Those stupid sheep will love anything as long as you shove it down their throats enough (hmmm, no wonder lots of them are sluts... If you got that, get your mind out of the gutter!) Although, as long as what I like just happens to be popular, it is much easier to find. For example: black skinny jeans, black in general, anything to do with vampires, colourful eyeliner, etc. What really pisses me off, is when I wore bright blue eyeliner to school I got heaps of shit for it. Yet 2 weeks later, the same people who gave me shit were wearing it. And then they had the nerve to look at me like I wasn't good enough to wear it. I really dislike sheep, quite intensly.

Please excuse the spelling mistakes, this computer doesn't correct them for me, and stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

[rant]

Mend this careless thread, its gone askew
(Thread on my sweater is pendulous, step back and pull it
Watch it unravel faster than a speeding bullet)
Or pull and see how much we can undo
-Pendulous Threads, Incubus

Something that never fails to annoy the hell out of me every year at school, is people doing their speeches on depression/suicide. Generally the whole point of the speech is to show that they empathize with the people they talk about, to get everyone else to sympathize. I hate the way they act like they know everything about it and like they understand. The truth is, no one can empathize with anyone else. Because no one has lived someone else's life. Even if they're worse off than the other person, they still haven't lived in that person's mind. I very much doubt that anyone who I've heard this speech from has ever looked in the mirror and then thrown said mirror across the room. I doubt that they lie awake at 2am unable to move, watching every single mistake they've ever made play through their mind. I doubt they turn to pain so they can deal with feeling like their life is unraveling, they have no future, their existence is pointless... Maybe they're trying to help. Maybe they're just trying to spread awareness, or whatever. Nevertheless, it annoys the hell out of me.

Not to mention those ads on TV, the ones that talk about depression and hope. They tell you to never let go of hope, like hope's not the thing that destroyed you in the first place, like hope can actually do anything. They tell you that there's help, there's people you can turn to. When really, everyone you turn to just sends you to someone else, who sends you to someone else, and so on. And in the end you're back with the same councilor who can't remember your boyfriends name. What they don't tell you is sometimes there's nothing anyone could do, even if they tried. They don't tell you that if the medication can't fix whatever is stuffed up in your brain, there is no hope. They don't tell you that if that's the case, it can just keep getting worse, until you're unable to work. Or unable to get up at all.

In conclusion, fucked up brains suck. And even if you have a fucked up brain, you still can't empathize with another person with a fucked up brain. Also, life sucks.[/rant]

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Stress, Debates, and "Christopher" the n00b

Well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all
I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling
And now the red ones make me fly
And the blue ones help me fall
Well I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
-Headfirst For Halos, My Chemical Romance

Arrrgh I'm so stressed right now. Sleep deprivation and school do not help either. No matter how many times I'm told not to worry... Next year is going to cost so much, and to be honest the thought of Uni terrifies me. In fact, according to my mother, I have been stressed about Uni since I was at kindy. Of course I'm always stressed about something anyway, so this is nothing new.

Something else that is not at all new is "debates" with "Christopher" (as he now insists on being called *coughsimoncough*). Today it just so happened to be on the subject of evolution versus creationism. Again, this is not particularly new, however the participators in this debate were somewhat new. Namely; me, "Christopher" and Carl (with odd comments from Arek). Debates with "Christopher" always have a few things in common:

1. He takes the side of Christianity, as he sees it
2. He refuses to be wrong
3. He reverts to completely irrelevant points continuously
4. He doesn't listen to what you're trying to say

So it was no suprise to me today to find that even when people were arguing the same side, they were too busy disagreeing to notice. "Christopher" of course took the side of creationism, constantly referring to the Flood. Carl took the side of evolution, constantly referring to finches. And me (being me) asked why they couldn't both be right. For some reason "Christopher could not understand nor accept that the bible could at all be wrong because of all the evidence (that I can't recall any of) that the Flood happened. Why it had to happen exactly the way the bible says, I have no idea. Stupid stubborn Simon, oops I mean "Christopher". Carl made a very good point, how the hell could anyone collect two of every animal? And then I made the excellent point (that even "Christopher" had to fabricate an argument for) that all the animals would have killed eachother anyway.

In the end we just got told to shut up by Miss, but the point is that it is hopeless to try to get "Christopher" to listen to anything you say. Especially if you're talking about anything to do with Christinaty. Because according to him, Christianity isn't a religion, it's a knowledge.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx

Social Interactions and Hero Worship

So paranoid, I've been hiding from the sun
I'm tired of being afraid of everything, and everyone
(I'm so tired)
No one cares, no one listens
Screaming words that you fake hearin'
No one cares
No one listens anymore
-No One Cares, Atreyu

So... I've been meaning to set up a blog for awhile, but never really got around to it. Let's see how well this goes shall we??

Today I took part in social interaction (though I must admit it was more of a social observation on my part). This is most unlike me, since generally I act as Devon's, occasionally vocal, shadow. And that's if I leave the house at all.
Anyway, I noticed once again how crazy attached I get to anyone who actually treats me like another human. All they have to do is make one small comment/gesture that shows they care that I exist at all, and I will pretty much worship them. It's really quite sad. It's no wonder that some of my friends in the past ended up treating me like a pet. Makes me kinda worried about their real pets though. A real pet can't get drunk, play a little strip poker and make it all go away. A real pet can't just leave when they're tired of being whipped. And yes I do mean that in the literal sense. Sometimes it scares me how much I rely on anyone who will tell me what to do, and how I can practically worship someone because they once asked me if I was okay... Good thing for them I am not actually capable of normal social interactions, they'd never get rid of me. Though I suppose some of them would probably take advantage of it, and I could just end up as a pet again. I don't even want to think about what some of the guys would try to do. I'd be worried, but it's not my job to worry about myself. Actually it's not really anyone's job (unless you count Devon, but I don't like it when he worries to much) anymore, since I stopped going to the councilor.

By now you probably think I'm crazy, and maybe you're right. But that's okay because most people I know are crazy to some degree. Anyway, that's what was going through my mind today as I walked home from escorting Devon partway to his house.

Stay tuned for more Pathetic Tales From A Broken Doll.

xx